*FUNY JOKES COLLECTIONS*

minsan sa buhay ikay nadadapa..
gumugulong..
napuputikan..
naapakan ng iba..
pero natututto ka din bumangon at humarap sa lahat
at magsabi ng ganito:
lassheeng lang ako mga frieeeends..! sssensya nahh buarrk..


I chose you as my friend
because you are thoughtful,
sweet, loving, caring, understanding,
charming, demanding, daring, kambing,
balimbing, bonjing, matsing, duling at may kuliling! hehehe.


If only I had the power to turn back time...
if only i could read your mind...
Wala lang! Astig di ba?
Tapos, marunong pa raw akong lumipad! Yeah!


Ang mga boys, hindi dapat pinaglalaruan,
hindi rin niloloko.
Kasi, ang mga yan, sobrang magmahal,
sobrang masaktan. Iiyak-iyak lang sa sulok,
pero kapag yan, gumanti! Loko! Nambubuntis yan!

joy is GOD's gift....Lets joy reign in your mind

joy in your heart & joy in your action

after all...napakamura pa ng JOY...

Isang patak lng ang lungkot na sangkatutak.


When I was lost you were there,
When I was down you were there.
When I was heartbroken you were there.
When I got really sick you were there.
ABA, hindi kaya ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko?

nay bakit mo ako pinalo sabi mo mahal mo ako
anak kaya kita pinalo dahil mahal kita
kung hindi kita pinalo ibigsabihin hindi kita mahal
Nay.! wag nyo nlang po akung mahalin..!!
kc sakit ng pamalo nyung dos por dos eh..... !!


May mga kaibigan na akala mo totoo,
yun pala, sila pa ang loloko sa 'yo!
Buti na lang, meron akong kaibigan na tulad mo!
Na kahit mukhang loko-loko, astig naman at totoo!


Kung yung dalawang taong mahal mo lalayo, kanino ka sasama?
Sa bestfriend mo na laging andyan para sa 'yo?
O sa minamahal mo na nagmamahal din sa 'yo?
Hirap di ba?
Ako, wala akong sasamahan!
Kasi, hahanapin ako sa bahay eh


I wrote your name in the sky but the wind blew it away,
I wrote your name in the sand but the water washed it away,
I wrote your name every where!
Langya hinuli ako ng pulis!


I had a dream about you. Nasa heaven daw tayo with two angels.
Your angel is cute but mine is not, so tampo ako.
I asked why cute ang angel mo. They said: "Balance of nature".nyak

1.
Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.

Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo.
3 months later,
galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?

Intsik: Baka hinubad mo! nyak.!


2.
GF: love you ka, niloloko mo ako!

BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!

GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!

BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!
Lolz


3.
Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.

Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!

Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan? ngeek..


4.
Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging anak, naintindihan mo?

Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako. Yo'


5.
HONEYMOON:
Wife: Hon wag mo ako bibiglain ha? I'm still a virgin
Husband: You mean ako ang una?
Wife: Yes, do it na
Husband: I did it na, kanina pa!!
Wife: ah ganon ba? Aray pala... Wink

1.
A lizard fell on a table.

Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;

Kikay: Eew, lizard!;

Astig: Shit, butiki!;

Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;

Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;

Mahirap: Pare, ulam!


2.
Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!

Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!

Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!XD


3.
Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!


4.
Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

Juan: Maniwala ako?!

Pedro: Totoo!

Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

Pedro: Asin!


5.
GF: I'm warning you! darating na si daddy within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN MO NA!! Wenk


6.
Nay? bakit po VICTORIA ang name ni ate?
Kasi anak dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo...
Eh bakit si kuya, ANITO?
Ay, tumigil ka na nga Luneta at baka mapalo kita! tawagin mo na si kuya FX mo! Wenk


7.
Sabi Airforce: "No Guts No Glory!"
Sabi Marines: "No Retreat No Surrender!"
Sabi Army: "No Pain, No Gain!" naks! ayaw patalo
Security Guards: "No I.D. No Entry!" Wenk


8.
Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto namin (dumaan ang mister nya...)
Misis: Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister: Yoko sayo kamukha mo misis ko!Hurmph

1.
upon examining youre style of texting, i saw youre brains 2 sides....left and right......i saw that on the left side theres nothing right............while on the right theres nothing left!!!! :: get it?

2.
i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again

3.
Boy: Daddy?? how did i come into this world???
Dad: listen carefully. Mom and dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restroom of the cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. when dad finished uploading. we discovered we did not use firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus!!!

4.
once upon a time a guy made love to his girl
the girl got pregnant, he asked the girl...
"will you marry me?"
the girl said "NO"
and the guy lived happily ever after..

Pedro: soli ko tong nabili kong DVD
Juan: anong problema?
Pedro: walang picture saka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata ito
Juan: anong title?
Pedro: The Lens Cleaner
===============
Thelma: Sabi mo dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig!
==============
Girl: Maganda ba ako?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang bumbay ah? Tisay yata ito!
Boy: Oo nga, pero yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!
=============

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

THE TEACHER AND THE WORM

one day....a teacher wanted to show to his class how bad alcohol is to our body...

when he got to his class.... he showed two glasses
one with alcohol and one with water...

TEACHER: class... look on how the worms will react when i put them into seperate glasses (WHILE PUTTING THE WORMS)

the class became quiet...
they were shocked that the worm died after it was exposed to alcohol while the other one is swimmimg at the water freely...

the teacher smiled and he taught that he have done a good job...HE ASKED THE KIDS ON WHAT LESSON IS LEARNED...

TEACHER: what is the lesson that you have learned, Nico?
NICO: sIr,..from now on...i will drink alcohol
TEACHER: WHY???????
MICO: coz the worms in my tummy will die when i drink alcohol...isnt it???

whatta genius Nico...!!!





2.
a lady in a bar walks to the barman

and puts her finger into his mouth.

he lustly kisses and licks each finger.

the lady says

"tell your manager there's no toilet paper!" toink..

1.
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."


2.
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.



3.
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please!


4.
tru luv can be measure n a SPARK,
un bang pg ngkiss,, may electricity?!
mahirap mahanap un
kaya try mong humalik
sa poste ng meralco
pag nakuryente ka..
true love un!


5.

if u're a nurse, h0w wud u tell a dying patient 'b0ut his/her c0nditi0n??

simple..
just sing this s0ng:


"makulay ang buhay!..Makulay ang buhay sa..
KABILANG BUHAY!"

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in the position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That’s what I’m applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN 5 YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries