*FUNY JOKES COLLECTIONS*

by Marz Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:21 am

First topic message reminder :

Here is it...
para mas masaya ang bawat araw ng pagtatagpo natin dito sa forum,
para narin dun sa mga maraming problema at mga nakikibasa lang,^_^
try naman natin mag share ng ibat-ibang nakakatawang bagay.

Just share all jokes that you know' funny quotes, funny poems, funny sayings, funny story etc.etc.. mapa'luma, kahit kurne pwede....just use appropriate language(English,Tagalog)

ako na unang hihirit(dedicated pra sa mga problemadong tao)...^_^

to mga napulot ko san'san

minsan sa buhay ikay nadadapa..
gumugulong..
napuputikan..
naapakan ng iba..
pero natututto ka din bumangon at humarap sa lahat
at magsabi ng ganito:
lassheeng lang ako mga frieeeends..! sssensya nahh buarrk..

I chose you as my friend
because you are thoughtful,
sweet, loving, caring, understanding,
charming, demanding, daring, kambing,
balimbing, bonjing, matsing, duling at may kuliling! hehehe.

If only I had the power to turn back time...
if only i could read your mind...
Wala lang! Astig di ba?
Tapos, marunong pa raw akong lumipad! Yeah!

Ang mga boys, hindi dapat pinaglalaruan,
hindi rin niloloko.
Kasi, ang mga yan, sobrang magmahal,
sobrang masaktan. Iiyak-iyak lang sa sulok,
pero kapag yan, gumanti! Loko! Nambubuntis yan!

ito sa phone galing:

joy is GOD's gift....Lets joy reign in your mind

joy in your heart & joy in your action

after all...napakamura pa ng JOY...

Isang patak lng ang lungkot na sangkatutak.

When I was lost you were there,
When I was down you were there.
When I was heartbroken you were there.
When I got really sick you were there.
ABA, hindi kaya ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko?

yan lng muna^^

Suggestions, Comments highly appreciated..basta dont break the rules..
NO SPAM........

Share nyo na rin sa inyo.. post it here....^_^

by MhingMhengXD Thu Dec 10, 2009 9:47 am

Ass. Jokes

50 Fun Things To Do In A Final Exam

50 Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter (i.e., you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc.). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs." Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking around frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country," and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent marker.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, use Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay; be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and T/F. If it is a multiple choice test, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc.).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "I can't take this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
26. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for Mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over while laughing loudly. Say "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of Our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science, make up the longest proofs you can possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for ANOTHER class (make sure this is obvious...like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "It helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so."
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor ____ Sucks."

by L'Jyen [♥] Thu Dec 10, 2009 11:57 am

Marz wrote:@Julien...
galing.. .sirious yung intro,sa farmville lng pla....nihahaXD

mas maganda basahin ian sa Bisaya kuya

madame pa aco nian! Bisaya nga lang..
hanap ulet aco lmao

by Marz Thu Dec 10, 2009 6:51 pm

1.
Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

2.
in jollibee..
igorot: miss, my order will be one bottle of honey..
sales lady : we dont sell honey here..
igorot: what ? you dont sell.. hey woman!! dont lie to me.. theres a big bee outside, then you say there's nothing..dont trick me..im not ignorant..give me now!!!!give meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

3.
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

4.
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"..woopsy

5.
French lesson
Cough: o vou
Ashes: a vou
Naked: hu vou
Car: re vou
Baloon: lo vou
Drugs: sha vou
Gud bye: va vou
Cute: a cou
Ikaw: ga gou

by L'Jyen [♥] Fri Dec 11, 2009 9:57 am

BOY: Miss, pwede ba co bang IPASOK ang
aking pag-ibig sa butas ng iyong PAGMAMAHAL?
GIRL: Sobra ka naman manligaw, SALITA pa lang
NAKAKABUNTIS ca na ng damdamin

TEACHER: why did you bring your cat to school?
PUPIL: awa po aco ee..
T: bakit?
P: kasi po i heard my sister's bf said..
"baby, tonight i will eat your pussy.."

JUDGE: totoo ba na icao ang nagnakaw ng mga
alahas, tv, cd, vcd, mp4 ug etc?
JUAN: aaminin co ang lahat ng iyan pero di
talaga aco ang nagnakaw ng etc.. ni hindi co
nga iyan nakita sa bahay

by MoiMoi<3 Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:56 pm

okeis. here's mine.
psenxa na bka kornee. hhe

Spoiler:

by MhingMhengXD Fri Dec 11, 2009 5:58 pm

iTS JOKE TiME:]

copy paste lang:]

Nagtalo ang mga hudyo at instik kung sino ang nauna sa mundo.
Hudyo: kami, dahil kami ang nagpaku kay Hesus sa krus!
Instik: aber, saan hardware kayo bili pako?

Promoter: Misis, kapag pinaghalo ang breeze at tide, bubula kaya?
Misis: aba syempre!
Promoter: Mali!
Misis: Bakit naman?
Promoter: Dahil walang tubig.

Feels great 2 b in bed waiting 4 sleep to cum. As sum1 rubs ur back, up 2 ur neck, ur ears, den u hir a soft whisper…"shhh hanapin mo ang mga pumatay sa akin."

A pinoy in New York was masturbating while looking at the sky. An American asked. "Hey, what are you doing?"
"Fucking my wife in the Philippines via satellite!" The pinoy replied.

Nun riding a taxi.
Driver: I’d like to ask a favor if I may, sister. I have always fantasized kissing a nun.
Nun: OK. But first u have to be a catholic. Second, u hav 2 b single.
Driver: I am both catholic and single.
<>
Driver: thank you sister. But I must admit I lied 2 u. I am married and a muslim.
Nun: That’s OK. Im on my way to a costume party and my real name is Allan.

Ano ang sabi ng panda sa photographer?
Panda: dude, yoko ng black and white ha.

"Oo inaamin ko. Sila ay mga yakal, lawaan, apitong at narra. At kami ay saging lamang. Pero maghanap kayo ng puno sa buong pilipinas, saging lang ang may puso…saging lang ang may puso! Saging lang!"
-Mark Lapid (from the movie, "APOY SA DIDDIB NG SAMAR" hmm..panalong quotable quote..ibang level!)

10 QUOTABLE QUOTES:
better late than pregnant.
pag may tyaga, gud luck!
aanhin pa ang damo, kabayo ba ako?
pag binati ka ng bato, kawawa ka naman.
kung may isinuksok, may mabubuntis!
its better to give, much better to receive.
cleanliness is next to godliness. Oiliness is next to blemishes.
ang taong naglalakad na matulin, pawisin.
pagkahaba-haba ng prusisyon, mauubusan din ng kandila.
honesty…is such a lonely word.

by Marz Sat Dec 12, 2009 5:26 am

Aling Dionisia's quotable English:

- I'm sick of tired
- True good to be true
- When it rains, it's four.
- Once in a new moon
- Pls. don't make fond of me
- The more you hate, the more you laugh
- Alma Mother
- No holes barred
- Keep your mouth shock
- Ats if?!
- Its just the tip of the icing
- Connect me if I'm wrong
- I wanna portrait that role
- The nerd!
- Will you please give me alone!

last one
-Drenk yorr magnulia melk pirsh.

by **`PAU.sunshine** Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:23 pm

^^

-Drenk yorr magnulia melk pirsh.

..

by L'Jyen [♥] Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:03 pm

Pulis: inday, bakit mo tinapon ang batang alaga mo?
Inday: utos ng amo co sir!
Pulis: inutos ng amo mo?
Inday: sabi nya, kung walang PAMPERS, i-HUGGIES nalang

yan lang muna^^

by Marz Wed Dec 16, 2009 1:45 am

News for today. . .

-host: andito na ang nagbabaliw na balita ngayung araw na ito.

"dalagita hinostage at ginahasa patay"

reporter: ayun sa biktima, nung naglalakad daw sya pauwi. . . . tika sandali. .
prang may mali dito ah. . prang may mali tlga eh... ikaw nagbabasa ngayun. . anu masasabi mo.?

=))

ala ako maisip. . XD

by L'Jyen [♥] Sat Dec 19, 2009 2:44 pm

gusto co na magpakamatay! ayoko na! pagod na aco!

kumuha ng lubid at nagpabitin..ilang sandali..

aaahhhhh...aray naman..di aco makahingi!

--adik mo tol! magpapakamatay ca nga diba?
hahahaha =))

by **timmy** Sat Dec 19, 2009 4:32 pm

by Marz Sun Dec 20, 2009 2:45 am

PaRa Sa MGa NaGBabaGang
BaLIta.......
NgaYOn NASuSuNog Na!!!!!

*dalawang kalbo,nag-sabunutan.

* Capt. Hook dumaan sa Quiapo, pinirata!!

* Palaisdaan, nasunog!!

* Tahanang Walang Hagdan, inakyat!!

* Bakla sumali sa away, napasubo!!

* Bagong tuli nagyabang, lumaki ang ulo!!

* Unanong madre, napagkamalang penguin!!

* Bulag nakapatay, nagdilim daw ang paningin!!

* Iceman nanood ng porno, nag-init!!

* Tindera ng suka, tinoyo!!

* Teacher nagkamali, tinuruan ng leksyon!!

* Lolo naakusahang nang-rape, pero sa korte....biktima ayaw tumayo!!

* Eroplano nag-crash, lahat ng pasahero namatay sabi ng mga survivor!!

* Basurero nagsampa ng kaso, binasura!!

* Dahil may reklamo, eskwelahan ng mga bingi nag-noise barrage!!

* Tubero, nagka-tulo!!

* Lalaki natagpuang pugot ang ulo, inaalam pa kung buhay!!

* Barbero tumestigo sa krimen, ayaw paniwalaan!!

* Misis ng photographer, nakunan!!

* Tindera ng tubig, namatay sa uhaw!!

* Kaso ng pilay, nilalakad!!

wla lang..Ü

by -- かわいい PRiNCEü Sun Dec 20, 2009 4:59 pm

Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom.
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!

---------------------

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! putek* pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!

^ PUAHAHAHA ! lmao

by Marz Wed Dec 23, 2009 4:00 am

FUNNY QUOTES

Lahat Ng Problema May Solusyon,
Kapag Walang Solusyon,
Wag Mo Ng Problemahin.

Always Remember:
Kung Kaya Ng Iba,
Ipagawa Mo Sa Kanila,
Don't Force Yourself,
Make Life Easy.

Kpag binato ka ng bato
batohin mo ng BAHAY...

aanhin pa ang damo
kung wula ng mukhang kabayo.

Hindi Lahat Ng Gwapo,
May GirlFriend.
Ang Iba Sa Kanila,
May BoyFriend.

Practice Makes Perfect,
But Nobody Is Perfect,
So Don't Practice.

Di Bale Ng Tamad,
Di Naman Pagod.

di baleng walang tulog...
..kesa naman walang gising!

Don't Face Your Problem,
If Your Problem Is Your Face.

by `Jin Eishiro Wed Dec 23, 2009 12:25 pm

I'm a butterfly.. A pretty little brown butterfly..

--baklang ipis

sorry kung meron n nito xD

by `Jin Eishiro Fri Dec 25, 2009 1:14 am

pano tayo lalago kung hindi ako papatong sayo?

--hollow blocks

hindi mo ako matitikman kung hindi mo ako huhubaran.

--saging

by Marz Fri Dec 25, 2009 5:01 am

^
^

pag ang dalagang probinsyana ay iyong pinaiyak,
ihanda mo na ang sarili sa parating na itak.

Kung kaya mong gawin ngayun, kaya mo parin bukas, kaya ipagpabukas mo na!

gawin mo na sa kapwa mo ang mga bagay na ayaw mong gawin sayo, bago pa nila gawin yun sayo.

by `Jin Eishiro Fri Dec 25, 2009 5:35 am

^
^
^

Walang taong pangit, nagkataon lang na ung mukha nila indi uso at hindi 'in'

by Marz Sat Dec 26, 2009 2:23 am

The Math teacher saw that Davie wasn't paying attention in class.

"Davie! What's two, four, twenty-eight and forty-four?" She asked.

Devie immediately answered "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network Ma'am."

by `Jin Eishiro Sat Dec 26, 2009 2:35 am

by Marz Wed Dec 30, 2009 3:26 am

FUNNY DIVORCE LETTER

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving awa y
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

reply

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

by `Jin Eishiro Wed Dec 30, 2009 4:01 am

^

ayos n ayos xD

by **jenny.08** Thu Dec 31, 2009 10:43 am

cool nman dito

by `Jin Eishiro Fri Jan 01, 2010 3:43 am

pare akala ko ba sa starbucks tayo magkakape?
(kase sa kanto sa kanila lang sila nagkakape)
ano ka ba, pareho lang kape dun saka dito,
PAREHO KA LANG NENERBYOSEN!

Q: ano ang first name ni PICACHU?

A: Cherry Pie!

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